so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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