I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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