hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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