if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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