i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
