I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
