we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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