I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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