Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
