my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize