A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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