You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
