I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Vodka?
Forever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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