You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
