It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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