Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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