I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
