My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
