It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
