Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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