Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
