We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
