and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
