Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
