It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
