the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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