Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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