I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
