Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
