If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just blew my weed a kiss
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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