the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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