it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
