I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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