Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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