is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize