Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
