No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
