I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
