you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
