I saw his package. It spoke to me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
