closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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