mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
