I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just threw up on my dentist
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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