my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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