my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
