Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
