Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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