sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
