my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
