then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
