Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
