I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I need to calm my uterus...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
