my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
