Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
