If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize