this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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