I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
