he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Success! We fucked roommates!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
