when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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