He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
