This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
