So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
