my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize