hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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