i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
