my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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