i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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